A-ha moment

So I'm working through this online game called Super Better. It guides me through a multitude of activities that help to make me, well, better than I am right now. The focus is on all kinds of resiliency. Mental toughness, emotional durability, etc., all come into play. Right now I'm writing to talk about why I'm doing this, especially from an eating habits standpoint. I am writing about the "a-ha!" moment I had when beginning this program. I think it's safe to say that my moment of realization that I needed this kind of program comes from the fact that I'm on Spring Break, and the first thing I thought of this morning was all the things I need to do while on Spring Break. Not so relaxing, right? So I'm here now trying to guide myself to lessen my stress level and ready myself for some good recharge time. I hope that eating habits also help, as will this journal. Stay tuned.

A baby..maybe.

So I'm supposed to write a short essay on why I want a baby. I know...sounds simple (I mean, you either want one or you don't, right?). Not much "gray area" here. But when I really stop to think about it...there are some pretty amazing reasons that I want to be a father. Hope something makes sense here:

Why do I want to father a child? I actually find this question very hard to answer, not because of the there is any hesitation in deciding to have a child; a day does not go by without the subconscious thought of "when I'm a dad, I cannot wait to ____________." or "I cannot wait to watch my child do __________." No, there is not a question of whether or not I want to be a father. The hesitation and difficulty in answering this question is based on how I have built the walls necessary to go on living without ever becoming one. The desire to father a son or daughter has captured my heart for ten years now, ever since I truly began to understand the love and sacrifice my own father had to make to have me and my sister. 

My father is a Cuban immigrant who married very soon after graduating from college (an unbelievable achievement considering that he had just fled Cuba, spoke zero English and had nothing and no one here in the United States). My father had two children but eventually lost his marriage and, consequently, I don't think he ever developed the relationship he desired with his first two children. So his desire to "do it right" increased exponentially upon meeting my mother a number of years later. Not a day goes by now that I don't see his love for us reflect in all he does. And so I have the ultimate role model: a man of the highest integrity who knows what it means to have life dump on him and wait for him to get back up, only to dump again. Yet he never backed down, he learned from his mistakes, and he made it his mission to help his children (all of us) see the value in hard work and education. And family.

At times you would think my father and I are extremely different: He has quite a conservative life perspective when compared to my own, more relaxed way of thinking. He is opinionated and makes sure that when a serious decision comes around (well, to him, most decisions are serious), I think about every angle and option to make sure my choice is the best one. He is very pragmatic while I seem to live in the ideal, only flirting with reality when it's all about to blow up in my face. He built his life without a financial "safety net" so that I would not have to. To put it plainly, we simply don't see eye-to-eye all that often. I think we can yell and argue about things like the best of them.

But now let me change gears so that I can write about my "Daddy". Daddy makes me feel like I am the champion of the world. He loves me unconditionally, always making a point to tell me how proud his is of me and how happy I make him. Daddy is a man who taught me how to catch a baseball, even though he never really played ball himself. Daddy is the man who taught me how to sail, showing me what it means to listen to the quiet of the waves breaking against the boat. Daddy is the linchpin that holds the family together, standing strong when times are tough. He is the steady voice that makes me feel as if all is ok. Because of my Daddy, I know that family will always be there, but it is my responsibility to keep it that way. Daddy is the man who stopped in the garage that day to protect the health of a young boy as his mother beat him as if no one was watching and as if it was the right thing to do. "I see you" was all he said; yet, I will never forget that day. In my mind, Daddy saved that boy's life while teaching me how to define mine. Daddy has taught me through his own actions that a man of integrity is a man fulfilled, and love is the root of his confidence. Specifically, a love for his wife and a love for his children. 

There is nothing more in this world that I want than to give that same feeling of joy, edification, empowerment, and love to my own child. In part, I want my child to know who his or her grandfather is by looking at me; I am who I am because of the man who raised me, and the greatest gift I can give him is to make him proud of his grandchild as he is proud of me. The other side of that coin is in the fact that I want to give my child the gifts given to me by my father: hard work, the desire to succeed, and endless, unfaltering love. I need to give these things to my child. It is in my system, a part of my DNA. I am on this earth to give someone else the chance to become the very best whatever this world has ever seen.

***

Let me backtrack about a year and a half. When I married my wife, Shannon, I did not think that having children was going to be an option. I was starting my life over after a very sad and terrible first marriage. I had found the hope, love, and joy that Shannon could give me so effortlessly. With Shannon I had found my best friend, as they say, and the person that continues to make me a better man. She has elevated my own life far beyond the shell I had once lived. Well before marriage was ever in sight, Shannon and I decided that having children would not be a priority for us as we moved forward in our relationship. Shannon succumbed to the decision long before: she didn't want to have children with her first husband for various reasons and fixed her mind to that resolution. By the time we started dating, this decision (at first) had become a life path for her, mixing perilously with the growing chance that she was no longer able to have children (I really didn't know how serious that second part actually was). That stung at first...and it stung a lot. But then something amazing happened. The development of my feelings for Shannon grew far beyond my expectations. I never thought I could love someone as I love Shannon. Moreover, I realized that I loved her so much that nothing I had wanted before would ever get in the way. Children would not be a destination for our marriage, and I had set my mind to that ideal with the excitement of our future together in my heart.

Or so I thought.

We had spoken about having children more and more during the 6 months up to our wedding, and I finally came to realize that Shannon's heart had changed. Shannon's life never had the concept of children in it because she never had someone with whom she could share this dream. When Shannon and I fell in love, her heart reopened a way for her to have a child again. She wanted us to have children, together. She had learned that having children had become an exciting part of the journey she never thought about taking until now. She decided to let God take control of the situation. While my own perspective remained firm that having children or not having children would never get in the way of my love for Shannon, I was delighted to know of the chance for us to maybe have a child. And then, all of a sudden, we were pregnant!

I cannot tell you the joy I felt for the both of us and the happiness (and a little fear) that I saw in Shannon's face when she told me she was pregnant. I couldn't believe that this was actually happening! I think I had a mental block in showing the excitement that I felt on the inside. But what hit me the hardest was the tears of joy that appeared when I told my father that we were going to have a baby. It was like a giant stone had been rolled away and he was seeing the sunshine for the first time. Sounds cheezy, yeah. But that's how it was. I was overwhelmed by the idea of having those desires of raising a child like my father raised me actually become a reality.

Until we lost the baby. 8 weeks into the whole process we found out that the baby's heart never started. On top of that, the procedure that Shannon had to go through to remove the fetus was perhaps the most excruciating evening I have ever had to endure. The next few months were a devastating time; but, we knew we could have a child. That was the silver lining that kept us going, giving us the mind to try again and hope that, this time, things would go right.

But it never did. Shannon and I soon learned that we couldn't have children. The fact that we even got pregnant in the first place was a fraction of a percent, at best. Shannon's body saved that first child from what would have most likely have been an horribly difficult life. So perhaps all of this was a blessing in disguise. But here we were, without the means to have a child, but with hearts filled with the aching need to do just that. So I began to redevelop the buffer I had regarding having children that I had accepted upon marrying Shannon. Let me be clear: I love Shannon more and more every second of every day. It is because of this love that I was able to separate from the desire to have a child. I have Shannon, and there is nothing more that I want.

But Shannon's heart had been turned; she was not set on figuring out a way to have a child. We discussed it many times, in short and in long conversations that always resulted in the hope that we could find a way. Shannon brought hope into our lives with regard to having a child. Throughout it all, I wanted to keep locked the heavy metal door that pushed the idea of having a child away for good. But the only person in the entire world that had a key to unlocking this door was Shannon. And she did it.

***

And that brings us to now. Shannon and I are working on having a child through in vetro fertilization (IVF). It has been a very trying process filled with bumps and near misses that has left Shannon in a state of "frazzledness" that I can only imagine is like sitting in the washing machine during the cycle where the water is rising and the machine is slowly spinning this way and that. This time in our life is a tease - we think we have all the "to do's" covered, only to turn the corner and see something that needs to be finished today or the extremely delicate process tumbles down the drain. Shannon is tired after long days battling through this process, and all I can do (or all I feel like I can do) is pray for my wife's confidence in the ultimate success of her efforts and the hope for that success to reveal itself in due course. 

Additionally, the cost of the IVF program is extreme. We feel like we can cover it if we strip down to the bare bones of our savings. And, without question, we will so that we can have a child. But we have some great opportunities for help and assistance, namely from a grant program (BabyQuest) that will hopefully provide us with some financial assistance should we win the award. Small chance, I know, but one that would allow for our baby to have a comfortable life with all of the pieces necessary to grow and develop into the fine young man or woman Shannon and I now only dream of.

And so that is the long-winded version of why I want to be a father. I dream of seeing my son or daughter take his or her first steps. I dream of watching as he or she gets on stage to perform, or presents a science project. I dream of seeing my child on the playing field, in a chess tournament, spelling bee, or waiting tables. Whatever the case, I want to love my child. That is why I want to be a father. I want to love my baby so unconditionally that the boy or girl feels like it is the champion of the world. I think my Daddy would like that.